Living with Self Determination

One of the main issues with treating shyness is in understanding our motivations towards social engagements. Why do some people want to remain isolated, while others want to help themselves? Why is it that some people can brush off a bad social incident, while others are plagued by them? In this post I will discuss the Self Determination Theory and how it may apply to helping with shyness.

Self Determination Theory takes the perspective that human beings have a free will to master their inner forces rather than being passively controlled. While many of us fall into being passive and alienated in life we still have the ability to become proactive and engaged in our lives. Self Determination is based on the assumption that people are active organisms with the innate tendency to fulfill psychological growth. Therefore it is human nature to be positive and persistent throughout life and the fact that people show considerable effort and commitment should be considered normative, rather then exceptional. Self Determination Theory postulates that people have three inherent psychological needs; the needs of autonomy, competence and relatedness. These psychological needs are defined as universal necessities that affect many aspects of happiness, creativity and goal progress. When these needs are not nurtured the person can show signs of self-derogation with depression and problems with self-regulation.
The need for autonomy is the person’s drive to act upon their own choice and to feel a sense of control over the outcomes. The greater the autonomy the more this individual will act accordingly to self-endorsed values and intentions. Teachers who use autonomy-supportive teaching styles create greater intrinsic motivation and curiosity amongst their classrooms. Similarly, parents who adopt the autonomy-supportive parenting style have children that are more likely to spontaneously explore their surroundings. Competence is the inherent desire to people effective within their environment. People who have a high need for competence will attempt to engage in their world and gain mastery over their surroundings. Positive feedback has been seen to promote feelings of feeling responsible for the success of the performance. Competence is seen as having a propensity to having an energy source that operates in situations that are challenging. Relatedness is the universal drive to interact with and feel connected to the people around oneself. It is the sense and desire to experience, self-organize and integrate the self into the lives of others. This need is seen as one’s desire to bring meaning into their lives through integrating with others.
When treating shyness it is important to question whether you are incorporating these psychological needs into your attempts for being more social. When these needs are considered then the motivation that arises for overcoming the fear of shyness is intrinsic and not extrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is having a desire to do something only to avoid a punishment or to seek an external reward such as money. People who focus on extrinsic motivations will eventually burn out and feel alienated by their goals and pursuits. The perfect example of this is with the movie Office Space and how the main character only has his job for a means of money. Eventually in the movie he quits and turns to crime, but it’s a comedy so it has a funny ending if you haven’t seen it.
Anyways, there is a lot of research on this one topic and I will have to write many posts on this. I believe highly in the Self Determination Theory and believe that facilitating intrinsic motivation towards our social engagements is a great step to helping with our shyness.
References:
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic motivation and self-determination in human
behaviour. New York: Plenum.
Deci, E., & Ryan, R. (1987). The support of autonomy and the control of behaviour. The
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 53, 1024-1037.

What is the Modern Day Woman?

Traditionally shyness has been depicted as a ‘female trait’ alongside with compassion, gullibility, moodiness, unpredictability and soft-spokeness. However, since the 21^st century the boundary between female and male shyness has been disappearing. Shyness has become more widely known as a social problem for both sexes, and in this post I will examine how this change came about.

In the 1950’s women were encouraged to be the so-called “good wives” for their husbands. The term “good wives” meant that women had their place in maintaining an orderly house while the men worked hard for creating money. Women were expected to be more modest and shy towards their husbands, and conversely men were expected to be assertive in nature. There was a large distinction between male and female roles which was created by the society they lived in.

By the time the 1980’s came about shyness was considered a failure to develop skills of self-disclosure, and assertiveness. Shyness was stereotyped as a ‘feminine trait’ and was seen as undesirable, especially for men. Therefore shyness was thrust upon women to adopt, while men were pushed away from this trait. Women having to accept the role of being shy created an internal struggle for seeking independence from such societal norms. Over the course of time women fought and were accepted to be considered equal amongst men and the role of women changed completely. *I know there is a whole history there and I have included references for those who wish to look further into the history.

The question that arises is ‘What is the new modern day woman’? The picture of this post is of Angelina Jolie because I believe she embodies what it means to be this modern day women. She is strong, assertive, beautiful, inspiring, and responsible; yet she is also caring, kind, compassionate, and sometimes even shy. Statistics show that there is a greater prevalence of shyness amongst women in the population, but I would argue that women feel more comfortable disclosing that they are shy while men are afraid to. And so the distinction between male and female shyness I believe should be non-existent. Men and women who have shyness share more similarities then differences and there should not be this cultural push to label one sex as ‘more shy’.

References:

McDaniel, P.A. (2001) Shrinking violets and casper milquetoasts: shyness and

heterosexuality from the roles of the fifties to the rules of the nineties, Journal of

Social History, 2001, 34, 3, 547–68.

Shyness and the Movement Toward Positive Psychology

I am inspired by the many psychologists that are pushing for the positive psychology movement. Martin Selinger is a professor at the front line of this movement and he has some interesting thoughts on the future of psychology.

Psychology grew out of the study of mental illnesses. Basically psychology was made into the study of making miserable people feel less miserable. Psychologists focused only on people who were mentally ill and sought to try to understand them. The problem with this was that psychology was too focused on the negative aspects of humans and how to treat that. What psychology was forgetting was everyone else who had lesser problems in life but was not considered to be mentally ill.

Positive psychology is the study of finding human strengths, and virtues, nurturing talent and making life more fulfilling for everyone. Everyone has troubles in their life and they do not necessarily need prescription drugs or a diagnose for a mental disorder. Positive psychology takes the position of finding out what makes people lead happier lives. The study takes three propositions:

1. It is concerned with human strengths as much as with human weaknesses.
2. It is interested in building the best things in life just as much as repairing the worst.
3. It is concerned with making the lives of normal people fulfilling through nurturing talents as with healing pathology.

While some of us suffer from severe social phobias, or social anxiety, a large proportion of the population suffers from shyness and this hinders their intentions to be proactive and engaging in their lives. It upsets me when people say shyness is not a real concern for psychologists. Sure shyness is fairly mild and won’t necessarily lead to suicide like many other mental illnesses do, but shyness does significantly obstruct our human potential. There should be just as much focus on how shyness hurts the general public in schools, social lives and workplaces as in those people who are clinically diagnosed with a mental illness.

References:

Watch this video http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology.html



The Role of Rumination in Anger

Most of us can agree that anger usually doesn’t solve or make a situation better. In fact anger has been linked to poorer treatment outcomes on a number of different disorders including Social Anxiety Disorder. Though for people who have social anxiety, where does this anger come from and how can we stop this negative process?

The Role of Rumination

Rumination is a word used to describe an aversive, repetitive and uncontrollable thought pattern. Rumination is seen in many clinical disorders and is linked to poorer health and mental health outcomes. Those who suffer from social anxiety are more often prone to have post-event rumination then those who are not socially anxious. This means that socially anxious people not only mull over these events in their heads but they continue to think about these events in an aversive way. It is like the story a Buddhist monk told me once and listed below. I have heard the story before and don’t know who to reference.

“Two Monks were walking home and on the way they came to a large puddle full of mud, which they had to cross. At the brink of the puddle they saw a young woman standing, afraid to cross it.

“Come”, said one of the monks, “I will carry you to the other side”. He took her on his back, and carried her to the other side of the puddle.

After crossing the road, the two monks continued walking silently for hours, until they reached their destination.

The other monk could not keep silent any longer and exclaimed:” How could you carry that girl on your back? We are monks and are not allowed to touch women.”

The monk who carried the women over the puddle smiled and said: “I have left the girl at the other side of the puddle, but it seems you are still carrying her with you!”

I have heard different versions of that story but it tells the point that some people tend to ruminate more about events then others and this thought pattern is maladaptive.

Origins of Anger

In a recent study (I make reference to below) they found that when controlling for rumination in people with social anxiety that there is no longer any anger. What this means is that people shouldn’t attempt to deal with the anger but instead with rumination. Anger should be seen as a sign of an inner turmoil that represents the negative internal thinking patterns. The study went further to show that reflective pondering helped with anger suppression meaning that treatments should focus on reflections of our own thought patterns.

I realize many people who are shy or suffer from social anxiety do not have anger about themselves or other people, but for those who do treatment of their condition will be increasingly difficult. For more information on please check out my post on self-forgiveness and look forward to more posts on this aspect of shyness.

References:

Trew, J., Alden, L. (2009). Predicting anger in social anxiety: The mediating role of rumination. BehaviouralResearch Therapy, 47, 1079-1084.

A Place Where Shyness is Accepted: China

Shyness is universal in that we can find it within people all across the world. I’m sure you could even find it within members of a tribe in the Amazon. However, what remains the difference is how shyness is treated amongst the people of a particular area. In this post I will examine the differences between North America and Asia’s view on shyness.

In North American societies, children who are shy are likely to have difficulties in peer relations, school performance. These children realize their difficulties in social situations and many develop negative self-perceptions of their competence and other problems such as depression and loneliness. Studies have also shown that this may contribute to later adjustment problems in education or career stability. The adjustment difficulties are seen to be caused by Western society’s emphasis on assertiveness, competitiveness, and self-expression. The qualities North American’s generally expect from their children is to be assertive rather than reserved and restrained, and shyness is often considered a problem of socially immaturity or incompetence.

There is evidence that shyness is perceived as less problematic in many Asian countries such as Korea, and Indonesia. Shy children in China have tended to be accepted by peers and seen as competent by teachers and adults. This appreciation of shyness in China may be due to it’s endorsement of socially restrained behaviours in society. In Taoism and Confucianism philosophies behavioural restraint is considered to indicate social maturity and mastery. Also shy children may obtain support more easily from an environment that is more understanding and these shy children feel more competence to seek school achievement and develop positive emotions about themselves. However, in this same study I make reference to below, they find that the larger city urban areas in China are becoming more North American and along with this is the view of being assertive.

Implications:

In terms of education I believe that teachers must have more training on how to teach shy children and how to help them become apart of peer relations. As this study pointed out, children adjust better to life when they are seen as competent and this can help to develop a positive self-perception. Shy children are put into schools with the disadvantage that they way they act are considered immature and incompetent. While it would be impossible to change the view society has on shy children, teachers have the power to help develop shy children to feel confident going into a North American society. On a personal note I was put into the special education classes all throughout my early childhood years based purely on the fact that I was shy. I wouldn’t answer questions because I had to do so in front of the whole class which was extremely anxiety provoking. Now after attaining many years of academic success and higher education I look back on those years and shake my head because the teachers were trying to solve a learning problem when it was an anxiety problem.

References:

Chen, X., Wang, L., Wang, Z. (2009). Shyness-sensitivity and social, school, and psychologyical adjustment in rural migrant urban children in China. Child Development, 80, 1499-1513.

Gandhi’s View on Shyness

Here is a quote from Gandhi that I believe readers of my blog will enjoy.

“I must say that, beyond occasionally exposing me to laughter, my constitutional shyness has been no dis-advantage whatever. In fact I can see that, on the contrary, it has been all to my advantage. My hesitancy in speech, which was once an annoyance, is now a pleasure. Its greatest benefit has been that it has taught me the economy of words. I have naturally formed the habit of restraining my thoughts. And I can now give myself the certificate that a thoughtless word hardly ever escapes my tongue or pen. I do not recollect ever having had to regret anything in my speech or writing. I have thus been spared many a mishap and waste of time. Experience has taught my that silence is part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth. Proneness to exaggerate, to suppress or modify the truth, wittingly or unwittingly, is a natural weakness of man, and silence is necessary in order to surmount it. A man of few words will rarely be thoughtless in his speech; he will measure every word. We find so many people impatient to talk. There is no chairman of a meeting who is not pestered with notes for permission to speak. And whenever the permission is given the speaker generally exceeds the time-limit, asks for more time, and keeps on talking without permission. All this talking can hardly be said to be of any benefit to the world. It is so much waste of time. My shyness has been in reality my shield and buckler. It has allowed me to grow. It has helped me in my discernment of truth.”

Reference: Gandhi: An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth, trans. Mahaved Desai, (Boston, Beacon Press, 1993).

The Problem With Using Tips And Tricks

I felt inspired by the recent comments and I took it upon myself to Google shyness and see what terminology comes for people dealing with it. I have included a list below:

Coming out of your shell, Conquer shyness, Overcoming shyness, Shaking off your shyness, No More shyness, Get Over shyness, End shyness etc.

Some of the past comments I have received from people say that it is our society that makes shyness seem wrong. Looking at the terminology used for treating shyness, one would assume that shyness is like a disease and can be treated with a simple prescription. In fact many of these words imply that using only a few tips or tricks will solve our shyness. There is another problem in that these words seem to suggest that our goal when dealing with shyness is to be rid of it completely and become some sort of super-self. I address these two problems below.

The problem with tips

Tips are everywhere. Everyone loves seeing tips on everything. How to swing a golf club, how to lose weight or how to reduce stress. Tips imply that there is a magical cure to a problem, “That through these 5 essential tips you can completely solve the problem”. I believe people with shyness have heard all the tips such as maintain eye contact, try to speak from the gut, maintain conversation by complementing something someone is wearing etc. In the end these tips do help us, but they by no means “Conquer our shyness”. In allot of ways I believe tips work because they take people’s mind from an avoidance motivation and changes it to an approach. This means that the people are now focusing on how to better themselves, rather then to avoid failure. Eventually this wears off and we a left with the same problem. Similarly when I am golfing I tell my friends a tip and they actually start doing better. The only reason it works though is because they have something to focus on and forget all the rest.

The problem with our goals for shyness

When I see the word conquering, ending, or stopping our shyness it sounds like we are curing a disease. These words give us the impression that we should become something inauthentic to ourselves. It is then our goal to stray away from ourselves and create a new self. The problem with this is that it creates cognitive dissonance, as explained in the “What is your Ideal Self” post. What we need to do is first figure out how shyness is affecting us and what we want to change. We must create real goals that we can work on such as:

Goal 1- Being more social when with friends.

Goal 2- Talking to more people of the opposite sex.

Goal 3- Engaging in more proactive events, being more ambitious to be around people.

These are real goals that we can work on. They are not ambiguous like the goal of “Riding ourselves completely of shyness”, and they don’t lead to an inevitable failure. In conclusion try to create some real obtainable goals for yourself and post them in the comments section. I will go over effective goal setting strategies in a latter post.

Why Zebras Don’t Suffer From Social Anxiety

The title of this post is referring to a popular book called “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers” by biologist and author Robert Sapolsky. The book takes the analogy of how zebras in the wild have to deal with the very real dangers of a lurking lion, water drought or a whole host of diseases, and he compares it to how humans have an illusive fear of potential dangers such as meetings, work and traffic. From this we would assume that the zebra would become prone to anxiety and need weekly counselling sessions! However the opposite is true because in an animal’s mind they do not ruminate upon potential dangers and while humans do.

I have included an excerpt from the first page of the book so you can get a sense of the book.

“It’s two o’clock in the morning and you’re lying in bed. You have something immensely important and challenging to do that next day- a critical meeting, a presentation, an exam. You have to get a decent night’s rest, but you’re still wide awake. You try different strategies for relaxing- take deep, slow breaths, try to imagine restful mountain scenery- but instead you keep thinking that unless you fall asleep in the next minute, your career is finished. Thus you lie there, more tense by the second.” (Sapolsky, 2004, pg 1)

Robert goes on to talk about how this constant stress has a serious effect upon our health but I will stop there and relate this to social anxiety. In the same way humans ruminate upon their social engagements in life and this can cause considerable stress. For people who are shy this stress is only magnified till the point where they will avoid many social situations because of these fears. The title of this post is poking fun at the title of Robert Sapolsky’s book by saying that zebras do not get ulcers and they do not have social anxiety as well. The constant stress experienced by humans contributes to a whole host of health problems such as heart disease, immune disorders and even cancer.

I’m not saying to go into the jungle and start living like a zebra, but instead that humans are unique from many other animals in the ways we create non-sense stress and we need to address this issue.

References:

R., Sapolsky (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers. Holt Paperbacks, New York.

Why All Shy Self-Help Books are the Same

I just read a blog post by David Rock on Psychology Today describing why every self-help book is based upon the same fundamentals of the brain. He calls them the quirks of the brain and they represent the rudiments of human nature that we often forget about, and that we need new self-help books to rediscover them. He postulates that every self-help book is the same in that they talk about each of these quirks except in different ways.

He lists five quirks but I’ll only list the three I believe most significant to shyness:

1. Firstly the brain is built to minimize danger before maximizing rewards. Meaning people tend to be naturally cautious.
2. Uncertainty feels dangerous and we tend to avoid the potential for future pain.
3. Our conscious processing capacity is small, meaning that we tend to lack the ability to predict future emotions.

In terms of shyness we find the same quirks of the brain. People with shyness tend to minimize the potential danger by avoiding social situations and discounting the potential rewards associated with these social engagements. Shy people also find uncertainty as very dangerous and many avoid the future pain. Shy people may also predict being happier if they avoid social situations then if they were to engage.

In many ways shyness is a failure in self-regulation in which a person knows they would benefit from the exposure of engaging in a social engagement, but they give into their fears. I believe that shy people know that they should make the effort to be more social, and they want to as well, but that when the situation arises their brains give into these basic human quirks. It may be that every self-help book on shyness is the same and is addressing these underlying flaws of the human brain. I personally believe that these quirks are true, but I know there is a lot more to shyness then a failure to self-regulate. However it does help us all to look at our caveman brains and how we are all similar on the fundamental quirks.

References:

David Rock (2009) Why do so many self-help books sound the same. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-brain-work/200908/why-do-so-many-self-help-books-sound-the-same.

Childhood Shyness: A Diverse Group

There are few things worse for parents than to see their children not enjoying life.  Many parents are concerned about whether their child is getting along with the other children and socializing. In many cases children are found often hanging out with themselves alone and it begs to question

“Why Are These Children So Shy?”.

In the recent years there has been many researchers working on recognizing the heterogeneous categories of behaviors that distinguish why one child acts shy compared to another. The literature suggests that there are three groups of children who lack socializing. First is the conflicted shyness which refers to children who play alone because they are too anxious and fearful to interact, but they do have a strong intention to interact. These children normally suffer from insecurity, self-consciousness, anxiety, and the trait of neuroticism will normally continue throughout life. The second is labeled the social disinterest group and these children play alone because they do not have a strong motivation to engage in social interaction. This group is often called the introverted shyness group, in which these individuals could be effective in social interaction but instead would rather be alone. The third group is labeled active isolation and these children play alone because the other children do not wish to interact with them. The first two groups are considered to be internal to the children while the third group is external. Often the active isolation children suffer from not knowing how to appropriately act around other children. For example many children with ADHD problems socialize too much and can be considered overwhelming to others that the children ignore them completely.

Implications:

Realizing that there are different reasons for why children play alone is the first step into understanding how to help them. It wouldn’t make any sense to treat an active isolation child by assessing their anxiety to socialize. Or to treat the social disinterest by teaching them appropriate methods of communicating with others. Each group reveals many different paths for how children can play alone. Conflicted shyness with anxiety, social disinterest with motivational, and active isolation with behavioral.

Each of these groups has much research examining the origins, causes and correlates associated with them. To discuss this all would take too long for one post so I will come back to this at a later time describing each group in more detail.

References:

Coplan, R., Prakash, K., O’Neil, K., Armer, M. (2004). Do you “want” to play? Distinguishing between conflicted shyness and social disinterest in early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 40, 244-258.